BEING SINGLE

by Derwin Pereira


It is 2025, and I am still single.


No, I am not going to indulge in either self-pity – the ego-deflating reminder of a male not being accepted by even one woman – or self-glorification, the supposed fact that it is I who decided to not accept any woman as my equal. The reality is that I was not too good for any single woman who crossed my path, nor was she too good for me. Those women who came but never stayed and I remain equal to this day in our separation. There are many who could have been mine and I, I suppose, could have been theirs had the stars been aligned. But the stars were not, and that is the story.


What is involved in singleness is the preservation of autonomy. In psychological terms, autonomy means space. Humans are spatial beings, that is, they want their immediate lived environment to be capacious enough for their selves. And, believe me, all selves are egotistic, unless they belong to saints or revolutionaries. Thus, every self wants a certain inviolable space around itself which will not come under the control of any other person, be that person a parent, a sibling, a spouse or even a child. In a word, people are selfish because they have selves.


In serious (not calf) love, in a live-in relationship, or in marriage, people are willing to chip away at parts of their selves to make space for the person whom they love. But only up to a point. Once that person begins to claim more than the assigned portion of the self, it revolts against the imperial intrusion. Relationships break up; marriages fall apart; the poor children are left to the impersonal mercy of the state and society. Divorces are a reality because ultimately incompatible selves are.


Remaining single inflicts no pain on the sentient universe. Singlehood represents a withdrawal from relationships that appear destined for failure. That withdrawal could well be premature, in the sense that one partner backs out because he or she does not believe that the other partner will keep her or his part of the erotic bargain. It could also be the case that a partner discovers character or habitual faults in the significant other that undermine any hope of a lasting relationship. It could mean many things, but finally it means a withdrawal.


I have withdrawn myself from useless competition with fleeting human selves for space. I am not lonely at all. Instead, I find peace in the companionship of family and friends. They do not make the kind of demands that my erstwhile partners have made on me. I revel in my freedom to spend as much time as I like – not more, not less – with those I care for.


Being single is not the indictment of destiny: It is the exercise of choice. Being single in 2025 does not mean that I shall never be married, but it does mean that, if I marry, I shall do so because I wish to leave singlehood behind, not because I am emotionally helpless in being alone. Then my new story will begin.


If it does, you will be the first to know.

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